Bids For Connection: 15 Examples And How To Turn Toward Your Partner

Bids for connection are the small, everyday ways partners reach for each other's attention, interest, or affection. A comment about the weather. A hand on your back as they walk past. "Oh my god, come look at this video." They seem tiny, almost forgettable. But according to decades of relationship research, how you answer these little moments says a lot about where your relationship is heading.

Here is the twist: most bids are not obviously about love. Your partner reading a headline out loud is a bid. So is a sigh after a long day, or a text with a photo of a weird-looking dog. Underneath each one is a quiet question: "Are you there? Do you care about what I care about?"

This guide covers what bids for connection look like, the three ways people respond to them, why the small stuff matters so much, and how to get better at both catching and making bids, with examples you can try tonight.

What Are Bids For Connection?

The idea comes from psychologist John Gottman, who studied couples for years and noticed something surprising. The couples who stayed happy were not the ones with grand romantic gestures. They were the ones who kept responding to each other in small moments.

A bid is any attempt to get a positive response from your partner. It can be:

• Verbal: a question, a comment, a joke, a story about your day.
• Physical: a touch, a hug, sitting closer on the couch.
• Nonverbal: a sigh, a smile, a look across the room.
• Digital: a meme, a link, a "thinking of you" text.

Some bids are clear, like "Can you hug me?" Most are not. "I saw a cardinal outside today" is not really about the bird. It is about sharing a small moment with someone.

15 Examples Of Bids For Connection

Once you start noticing them, you will see bids everywhere. A few common ones:

1. "Look at this!" while holding up their phone.
2. Reading a news story or tweet out loud.
3. "Guess what happened at work today."
4. Sighing loudly after a phone call.
5. Reaching for your hand in the car.
6. "Want to go for a walk?"
7. Sending a song with "this reminded me of you."
8. Asking your opinion on something small, like which shirt to wear.
9. Laughing at something and glancing over to see if you are laughing too.
10. "I'm so tired today."
11. A playful poke or tickle.
12. Bringing you a coffee without asking.
13. "Do you remember that place we went on our second date?"
14. Pointing out a dog on the street.
15. Sitting down right next to you when there is plenty of space on the couch.

Notice how many of these could be ignored without anyone meaning harm. That is exactly why they matter. Small bids are easy to miss, and missing them adds up.

The 3 Ways People Respond To A Bid

Gottman grouped responses to bids for connection into three types. Picture Jess looking up from her book and saying, "This character reminds me so much of my sister."

1. Turning toward

You respond with interest or warmth, even briefly. "Ha, really? Which part?" or just "Oh yeah?" with eye contact. You do not have to drop everything. You just have to acknowledge the moment.

2. Turning away

You ignore it or miss it. No response, or a distracted "mm" while scrolling. Usually not mean, just absent. Turning away is the most common way bids get lost, and phones are a big part of it. If that hits close to home, the piece on phubbing is worth a read.

3. Turning against

You respond with irritation or hostility. "Can you not see I'm busy?" or "Why do you always bring up your sister?" This one stings the most and tends to make people stop bidding altogether.

One Evening, Played Two Ways

Here is how the same Tuesday can go for Dan and Priya, depending on how they handle bids for connection.

Version one. Priya gets home and says, "Ugh, the train was a nightmare." Dan, on the couch with his laptop, says "mm." She sends him a funny video from the kitchen. He sees the notification and does not open it. At dinner she starts telling a story about her boss, and he checks a score on his phone halfway through. Nothing dramatic happened. No fight. But Priya goes to bed feeling like she lives with a roommate.

Version two. Priya says, "Ugh, the train was a nightmare." Dan looks up: "Oh no, what happened?" She tells him for two minutes. Later he laughs at the video and shouts "that dog is you before coffee." At dinner he asks what her boss said next. Total extra effort: maybe five minutes across the whole evening. Priya goes to bed feeling like she has a partner.

That is the whole idea. Nobody in version one is a bad person. The difference is a handful of tiny moments, repeated every day for years.

Why Bids For Connection Matter So Much

In one well-known study, Gottman followed newlywed couples for years. According to The Gottman Institute, the couples he called the "masters" turned toward each other's bids 86% of the time. The "disasters," whose relationships ended or stayed unhappy, turned toward each other only 33% of the time.

Nobody hits 100%. You will miss bids because you are tired, busy, or simply did not notice. The difference is in the overall pattern. Each time you turn toward a bid, you are putting a little deposit in a shared emotional bank account. When a hard week or a big fight comes along, couples with a full account have a cushion. Couples who have been turning away for months do not.

Bids for connection also tell you what your partner needs. Someone who keeps bidding for reassurance might be feeling insecure. Someone who keeps bidding for play might be stressed and craving lightness. Learning to read these is a big part of meeting each other's emotional needs in a relationship.

Signs Bids Are Getting Missed

When bids for connection keep getting missed, the relationship rarely ends with a bang. It drifts. Watch for:

• One person has mostly stopped sharing small things.
• Conversations are mostly logistics: groceries, schedules, bills.
• You feel more connected to your phone than to each other in the evenings.
• Small hurts feel bigger than they should, like "you didn't even look up."
• You feel lonely even when you are in the same room.

If those sound familiar, take a look at signs of emotional disconnection in a relationship and signs you're lonely in your relationship. Missed bids are often where that disconnection starts. When it goes on for a long time, it can tip into emotional neglect, and it is one of the quieter reasons couples stop communicating.

How To Get Better At Turning Toward

The good news is that turning toward takes seconds. You do not need a weekend retreat. You need a few habits.

1. Notice the hidden ones

When your partner says something that seems random, ask yourself, "Is this a bid?" Usually the answer is yes.

2. Give a small response, fast

A look, a "huh, tell me more," a squeeze of the hand. Turning toward does not have to be big. It has to be real.

3. Put the phone face down

Not always, but at key moments: when they walk in the door, at dinner, in bed. Those are bid-heavy times.

4. If you can't engage, say so kindly

"I really want to hear this, give me five minutes to finish this email" is still turning toward. It tells them they matter, even if the timing is off. Then actually come back.

5. Ask follow-up questions

Curiosity is the best form of turning toward. "What did she say then?" shows you are actually with them. The guide on how to listen better in a relationship has more ways to do this well.

6. Build daily rituals

A six-second kiss goodbye, ten minutes on the couch after work, coffee together on Saturday morning. Rituals create built-in moments for bids. There are more ideas in daily habits that make a relationship stronger.

How To Make Bids Your Partner Can Catch

Some bids for connection are so subtle that a kind, loving partner can miss them completely. If you tend to hint, try making your bids a little clearer.

• Be direct when it matters. Instead of sighing loudly, try "I had a rough day. Can we talk for a minute?"
• Time it well. A bid made while your partner is in the middle of a work call is set up to fail.
• Use their name. "Hey, Chris" pulls attention in a way a general comment does not.
• Say what you want. "I don't need advice, I just want you to listen" helps them respond the right way.

Making clear bids is not needy. It is good communication, and it gives your partner a real chance to show up for you.

When Your Bids Keep Getting Ignored

Maybe you are reading this because you feel like you keep reaching and nobody reaches back. That hurts, and it is worth addressing before you quietly give up.

Talk about the pattern, not one moment. "When I show you things or tell you about my day and you don't look up, I feel like I'm not important to you. Can we work on that?"

Share this idea with them. Many people have never heard of bids. Learning the concept often makes them notice for the first time.

Notice your own bids too. Are you turning toward theirs? Sometimes both people have drifted.

Watch how they respond to the talk itself. A partner who wants to do better will try. If they keep turning against you or brush it off entirely, that tells you something important. Signs like that often line up with a partner who isn't really listening to you, or one who struggles to be emotionally available.

If you both want to rebuild, start small and practice daily. The steps in how to reconnect in a relationship and how to rekindle a relationship pair well with paying attention to bids.

Frequently Asked Questions

What is an example of a bid for connection?

Your partner says, "Wow, look at that sunset." It seems like a comment about the sky, but it is really an invitation to share a moment. Looking up and saying "That's gorgeous" is turning toward it.

What does turning toward a bid mean?

It means responding with attention or warmth, even briefly. A smile, a question, or a quick "oh nice" all count.

Is it bad if I miss my partner's bids sometimes?

No. Everybody misses bids. What matters is the overall pattern and whether you reconnect when you notice you missed one.

Can bids for connection happen over text?

Yes. Memes, links, photos, and "how's your day?" texts are all bids. Replying with a real response, not just a thumbs-up, is a simple way to turn toward them.

Do bids for connection apply to friends and family?

Absolutely. The idea came from couples research, but bids happen in every close relationship, including with kids, parents, and friends.

Bids For Connection: The Bottom Line

Bids for connection are the small, everyday moments when your partner reaches for you. A comment, a touch, a "look at this." How you respond, by turning toward, turning away, or turning against, builds or drains the trust and warmth between you over time. You do not need to catch every bid. You just need to catch more of them, make your own a little clearer, and talk about it if one of you feels unseen. Five minutes of attention a day is cheap. Over a few years, it might be the best investment you ever make in each other.